Talk to the paw... cos the Muppet ain't listening.

Yup, it's been a while. Well, it had to be, this Christmas thing got in the way. Mum was at home for a whole week and what a chance that was, to get my paws firmly under the table and establish myself as the nortiest puppy on the planet.

I *think* I've managed it, for the coal collecting from the coal bucket is now a regular occurance and avoiding baths and brushes are pretty much par for the course. I can ignore at a second's notice and have learned to boing around the house like Tigger, not a single surface can escape my boinging, whether a human is present in, on, or near the surface.

First, after Mum got up really early on Christmas Day, me and my sisters were all allowed to have those oddly shaped presents that arrived in the post from Bran's family and from the Secret Santa. I got mine sussed pretty quickly, but then again I'm clever like that.



Meg sat like this for ages until Mum opened hers for her, the twerp.



Cassie was ok at it. But then she stole mine and Meg's presents.



I was the only one with a Secret Santa present.... Lucy wanted the sossijes. She didn't get them.




Later on, we got a bit festive. I whispered to Cassie that she looked a little stoopid but she didn't really pay me any attention, to be honest. She thought that she was pretty. Pretty stupid I say.

So, it went on. We had lots of food. Food that doesn't come in the house often. I perfected the run-into-the-lounge-and-grab-a-chocolate-truffle-without-being-noticed technique. That was only the start of my Christmas ignoring, despite Mum's best attempts at training me.

On Sunday, for example, Mum got out of bed at 5.30am. By that time, Cassie had run back into her bed (having heard Mum yelling), and had stopped running in then out then in then out the dog flap into the garden. She left me out there, bouncing and boinging in a circle. Accompanied by The Bark. The Bark is something Mum really loves at the moment. Especially at 5.30am, apparently. The back door sprung open and Mum roared (didn't she know the neighbours would be sleeping??) at me. She made some really stupid comments about why didn't I know that bouncing and boinging around a stone, simultaneously making The Bark wasn't an acceptable thing to do. She made me go to bed and locked the dog flap and she went back to bed until 9.30am. She really seemed to like the runny poo in the kitchen that waited for her when she went to make a cup of tea.

Then there is Lucy cat and thecatwithnofurthing. They've taken to randomly whacking me around the head whenever I come near, for no reason whatsoever. None at all. Mum won't listen to me when I do The Bark then, and made up some excuse about chasing cats whenever they appear in my presence but I swear, they attack me for no reason. Honest.

And I cleaned out the cat litter tray by escaping to The Unmentionable Upstairs (where me and my sisters aren't allowed), but Mum was really ungrateful that I'd saved her the effort.

The Bark is now also accompanied quite firmly by The Boing. It is best done at somewhere between 75 and 100 mph, preferably from a running start out in the garden, along the path, leaping through the dog flap, through the dining room, around the dining table, through the lounge and BOING onto the furniture. Especially favoured by Mum is when she's laying on the sofa, and The Bark from the dining room doesn't give her enough notice that The Boing is about to occur, and if you get the angle from the stairwell just right, you can corner at around 80mph and Boing right onto her belly. She makes this really funny noise, which I think is laughter but is sort of "oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooof" but she doesn't do it for long because then you have to go on the attack and clean her face all over and she soon shuts up.

The Bark is also very affective when doing The Boing to wake up my sisters. When I land on their heads, they get up and play quite quickly. Admittedly, Meg is less enthusiastic at playing when she's been asleep but she gets round me by doing her own Boing onto the top of her dog crate where i can't quite get the angle to Boing onto yet.

I did Boing into the dishwasher too but my timing was out - running into the kitchen to lick off the plates when the door to the dishwasher is being shut can cause nose injury I've found. But then The Scream gets sympathy, and biscuits, so there are plus points.

Creme de la creme though, Mum went to see one of her bestest bestest friends, because she was about to have a baby. She has a lovely little girl called Esme who I love lots, but she doesn't know dogs very much so I stayed on my lead. I didn't like that much so did lots of whingy whiny whingy whiny whingy whiny type noises. The Bark would've scared Esme so I didn't do that. Mum was only a little bit mortified when I squatted and wee'd on their rug. I was excited, OK? That was the same day that Mum went back to work after this Christmas thing and I played all day because it was boring in the office, and so I wee'd in reception, even though I'm totally housetrained at home, because I can.

I've lost most of my teeth this week too. For a few days I had no canine teeth at all, and Mum keeps looking in my mouth to check if there are any new ones coming through. I proved they were doing just fine thankyouverymuch when I chewed off my new bandana and left it in bits in the dining room.

Oh. The Bra in Cassie's bed has nothing to do with me either, I swear.

So, the plan to be the nortiest puppy in the world is working. I can't explain why i've fallen asleep in the lounge tonight next to a large ivy leaf, when there are no ivy plants in the house, nor why that leaf isn't attached to any plant at all. Nor can I explain why my toy dog needed emergency ear surgery. Or why my blanket from my bed is under the dining table next to some coal, on the cream coloured rug.

Talk to the paw, cos the Muppet ain't listening.