Happy Sodding Halloween.

What the.....???

Work day today.

Shares are up today. And down a bit. And sort of in between. Isn't anyone going to make me a cup of tea today?

Spot the second Muppet in the picture. This is supposed to be a professional organisation, don't you know? Surveyors who crawl on the floor and hide behind photocopiers whilst barking at the Boss (that's me) surely should be sacked? Or at least made to buy me a weeks worth of bones? I shall table it at the next Management Meeting. Miss Hewitt! Take a note!

Cassie forgave me.

So, she got told off. BIG time. It was only one lump of coal, but Cassie was telling me off for trying to borrow it from her when Mum came to investigate. She was only going to get told off for growling at me but when Mum realised that she'd drawn with the coal on the rug in the dining room oh boy did she yell.

Cassie went to bed. Well, she was sent to bed. She sulks pretty good that dog. It went on forever. I decided to see if she was still talking to me and got a bit tired of not being talked to at all so I fell asleep. Mum found me there...

I don't do that very often you know. I'm a rufty tufty hard nosed boy, and sharing beds isn't my thing. But she was sulking and had really taken the rap for coal drawing quite well, I reckon, so it was ok in this instance, don't you think?

Mum tried to get me to confess to wrong doing but Meg has been teaching me well... I wasn't budging, uh oh. Not one jot. I didn't do it, OK??

She nearly caught me sniggering though... I almost lost it.... but tis ok this half laugh has been totally misinterpreted by the humans as "cute factor". I'm winning, I swear... world domination must be within my reach if I'm this good... right?

Ha HA!

STOP PRESS!!

*Cassie has been caught with a lump of coal in her mouth under the dining room table*

(will report back later after she's stopped sulking. I was not present in the vicinity of the coal at the time of the incident... must go find Bonios, lots of them, and find Meg, quickly)

Gardening. and a slight slip up.

The weekend started well. I got spoiled (along with my sisters) by Auntie Gwyn. She luffs me lots, she says. I think she believes I am innocent.

Today, Auntie Sarah came along to luff me too. She hasn't met me before but thinks I'm lovely, and innocent too. I was amazingly good while she was here, so it's not surprising really.

Trouble is, I think Meg needs to teach me to chew quietly. Cassie's wicker bed is sooo very tempting that when I crunched it after Auntie Sarah had gone home, Mum heard me. Last night she heard me emptying the coal bucket in the dining room - have you seen how nice and rounded those newfangled no smoke coal balls are? Great for rolling under the dining table. Mum took them away when she found them so I had to try and be more quiet tonight to get away with any innocence.

For some reason, she wasn't appreciative of finding me chewing Cassie's bed but that was just the clever diversionary tactic. Oztrayliah seemed a bit far to go tonight so I thought i'd rummage in that big flower pot out there on the path. I'm not sure I am going to continue gardening if I get yelled at like that again, Mum really doesn't understand the pleasure I get out of it and quite frankly it is hard work.


Anyway there I was, chewing Cassie's bed a bit noisily when Mum yelled. Fortunately Cassie's bed is next to the dog flap. I nearly made it out in time, but Mum caught me fleeing the scene. But it doesn't matter, I was chewing Cassie's bed, not gardening. She can't possibly think I'd do it.

I'm going for the woe is me look again. It has to work, in the absence of any evidence of my gardening technique, surely?

Logging is MY job.

Ok there are, unfortunately for you blog readers, no photos again today. That's because a) Auntie Daryl didn't have one to hand and b) 'cos I'm getting better at innocent there is no evidence.

Yes, you read that right, I am getting better at innocent. Firstly, those Bonios were left on the side after I carefully arranged them. And yes, a lot of them were left in reach oops I mean were carefully stored away from collies with long legs. Oh yes yes yes bribery is well in place. Mum came home to find a torn plastic bag on the floor without any Bonios left in it yesterday and Meg ready to teach me I mean thank me by teaching innocent a bit more.

So, today I went into action. Today was a bit mixed up because its Tuesday and Tuesday is Office Day. Only we didn't go to the office. We went to Jimmy's house. Apparently Mum was going on a train into London so that meant I was being entertained by Jimmy. Oh ho ho ho what fun!

Yesterday was also Jimmy day which was a bit odd, but it gave me a chance to start the Innocence technique. Today, Auntie Daryl asked Uncle Jack why he'd moved the logs from the log pile to the bottom of their garden. *Snort*. She didn't believe him when he said he hadn't. Three big logs, about as big as one of my legs, and twice as thick as my belly. Lying "innocently" at the bottom of the garden. Wahahaha!

Oh - but STOP PRESS! Auntie Daryl called Mum to say I had barked to be let into the garden to wee and poo! Wooo hooo I was told I was a very very very good boy for doing that. So I celebrated by visiting Auntie Daryl upstairs in the bathroom and weeing there too. And followed that up by weeing on her nice clean washed and ironed pile of clothes. Brilliant! She loves me, lots.

Then Auntie Daryl set about cleaning the house and left me and Jimmy to play in the Conservatory and garden whilst she polished the dining room and lounge floor, then upstairs too, all the way through the house.

So, I went logging. In the conservatory - after all there were three logs at the bottom of the garden, there wasn't any need for any more down there.

And the nice, clean, conservatory floor was a fantastic place to start turning logs into kindling. After all every good fire needs lots and lots and lots of kindling, doesn't it? So that's what I made and helpfully left it all over the conservatory floor for Auntie Daryl to collect up for the fire, whilst I went off into the garden to play with Jimmy, and look innocent. Oh what a good boy I am. Innocent doesn't do it justice - Auntie Daryl was amazed at the amount of bark that can come from one log and I think she was pretty chuffed with the results cos she said lots and lots of stuff I didn't understand whilst cleaning it up, and she went on about clean floors a lot but that isn't really a surprise is it because before I'd gone logging she'd done most of the house anyway.

I've rewarded Meg by playing with her tonight. I'll share a Bonio or ten again with her later. She has lots to teach me yet but I don't think she's doing too badly so far, do you?

Mum didn't believe a word of what Auntie Daryl said tonight anyway and says the lack of photographs proves I can't possibly have carried such big logs around in my mouth. I think she's right. Muppets do not lie. ;o)

Plan A: the way to get Meg to teach me innocent lessons

I've thunk, a lot, again. It was hard work. So hard work, I forgot I had a bed and fell asleep mid-thunk, in the bathroom.

But, regardless, I am striving on to Plan A. Meg will teach me how to look innocent. I am banking on her stomach being the root of the plan and the way to my becoming Innocent Champion in the household.

For my plan to work, I needed supplies. I now have supplies. There is no stopping me. I am genius, seriously.

A slight set back.

Mum came into the garden unannounced with her camera. It was a little bit embarrassing.


There was me, searching for Oztrayliah again, and I was doing darn well at it too - look at the rate of earth removal!



Whole body movement is essential to get to Oztrayliah. Mum wasn't very happy and I got hauled out. There wasn't even any of my sisters around to help me look innocent...



Meg was practising her innocent look on the other side of the garden... darn it, she's gooood. That's what six years of practice does for you. I need to see if I can pay her in Bonio's for lessons. She doesn't get that many cos she's on some stupid permanent diet so she's easily bribable I reckon.



I tried. But it's just not working is it. Thunking hasn't done me much good, I need to move on into actions. I will report in again once I've had a sleep. It was tiring heading for Oztrayliah and I need to recover my energy before working on Meg.



Edit: The catwithnofur thing just threw up her dinner on the floor. I helped clear it all up before Mum could get a cloth. Instead of being grateful she said I was disgusting and won't let me lick her now. Jeez you do a woman a favour and what do you get? Shunned. The whole world is against me.

So far, so good. They are easily fooled.

I have thunk quite a lot about how to get away with things, and, so far, so good.

To start with, last night in the dark, I dug. Mum says that it goes as far as Oztrayliah. I made sure I was clean so when Mum found Oztrayliah hole, she couldn't work out whether me, Cassie or Meg had been there. I'm not sure where Oztrayliah is but she didn't notice the root that came from there and that I left under the dining table. Cassie and Meg are under suspicion because it's such a big long way to Oztrayliah. They won't suspect me. Mum had to fill in the hole wearing her posh suit before work. She looked miffed at my sisters.

I've spent all day at cousin Jimmy's. Auntie Daryl says I've wee'd everywhere. Why doesn't she notice me looking out the window of the patio door, willing it to open with tellypathee? I'm tired tonight but I must keep up the pretence of being innocent.

I ate my dinner, even though I stole a lot of Jimmy's today. Then I couldn't be bothered to go into the garden so the kitchen floor did me. Mummy got out a cloth and Dettol to clean the floor. She put the lid on the floor so I carried it to Cassie's bed before Mum finished.

Mum looked for it a lot before finding it, and I sat on the other side of the room watching her. Cassie didn't have a clue. Ha! Innocent is working.

I shall thunk some more.

Drownded.

Yesterday I went for tea to Mummy's friends Jane and Graham. They had a Polar Bear called Ben.

He made friends with me and we played lots and lots and lots and lots and lots. Only he kept stealing the toy that was meant for me and not letting me play. But he didn't mind me jumping on him. I think I like Polar Bears.

THEN. Yesterday's travesty of justice caught up with me. It is disgusting I tell you. What happened about Innocent Until Proven Guilty? There was Mummy lying in the bath, and I was there, just keeping her clothes warm on the floor until she got back out again and on water dripping duty (you have to keep the floor mopped, you know), when all of a sudden whoooooooooosh! I was nearly drownded!!! Mummytheevil got out some woossy Strawberry shampooey stuff and smothered me in it. Jeez she even has chocolate smelling shampooey stuff but oh no I have to smell like a strawberry. I tried to maintain my dignity and catch a few drip of water off the bath in a manly type way but there was no getting away from it. She made me look like a drownded rat.

I tried very very hard to do a woe is me kind of look and I think I perfected it pretty well actually. Meg and Cassie even came in to see if I really was drownded but they didn't rescue me. So much for having big sisters. It's alright for them they have this short coat that never gets mucky. And anyway when I took Cassie to hydrotherapy tonight with Mum she got to go in this huuuuge great pool that was warmer than the one I was put in and it hadn't had Mum in before her and she got to go round and round and round in circles after a squeaky bone. Did I get that? Noooooooooo. I got Strawberry smellies.There is something very very very wrong with this situation. I must devise revenge. Surely there is something I can do. I shall think for a while in front of the fire and work out what I can do to make sure my sisters get the rightful blame for The Shower Incident. And The Hole in The Garden. And the Iris Gardening. And The Poo in Jane's Study (OK so there was only me and the Polar Bear present at the last incident but i can fool them, I'm sure). I wonder if the catwithoutfur thing will aid me. I will have words and report back when Mum isn't looking.

Framed.

The Scene Of The Crime.

Whodunnit??

Framed. I tell ya.

I am evil. Honestly. Truly. I am.

Look at this face:

See. Evil aren't I.

I beat up my cousin Jimmy and hang off his jowls. He has a really really really waggy tail and it's fun to catch it.

I spent the whooooooooooooole weekend living with Jimmy because mummy went away with her Brownie pack. Auntie Daryl says that her lawn looks nice with the new holes in. She must like mud, I think. I brought a lot indoors for her too, she liked it that much. For some reason I got another bath.

On Monday I went to the office and wee'd a lot on the carpet. Its been cleaned so it deserved it really.

On Tuesday I went to stay for the day with Auntie Daryl and Jimmy again and wore Jimmy out. I think he must be a bit older than me cos he wears out easily. Daryl says he's only 2 years old but he's ancient I reckon, he has to give up after a while whilst I sleep.

Today I'm back in the office. I've found a nice sleeping place, on mum's laptop bag, cos it's next to the radiator when she isn't using it and then i get warm and cosy. When we go outside for walks, these odd men in suits all walk past me then stop and come over for a kiss and a cuddle. Mummy says they're strange, because they're all tough looking buzinesmen, whatever they are. They still like Muppet cuddles.

I'm getting big, this is me and my sister Meg practising our sit and stay. Meg didn't want to sit cos she told me off earlier and Mummy told her off for telling me off. I screamed like a girl again and got her into trouble. Her fault for having her foot underneath me when I want to play. Cassie didn't want to join in because she was too busy eating a bone into small pieces for me.

Cassie lets me have her bed now too: can you see my evil glint in my eye. It's there, isn't it. Truly.

I am The Boss.

Look at me in my office.

Today's trick was to go into reception and do a huge poo, eat it and then scoot my dirty bum all around the office carpet to get the remainder off my fur *blush*. You wouldn't believe how effective that cord carpet stuff is for helping.

Some wierd graduate bloke muttered about gagging but I dunno what he was on about, and I ended up going into the Ladies (the Ladies!!!!) and getting my bum washed in the sink. Mummy had to run around with disinfectant wipes everywhere and I stole them from her and ran rings around the office with her following me - great game!

"My" office smells of Impulse spray because i've had bottom burps all day. Noone likes Impulse either, apparently.