Because I'm better than my little brother, I have become famous.
Famous enough to be a writer in the wonderful TT Talk magazine what Mum gets and all our Tibetan Terrier friends get.
I passed on my wisdom to my brother the Deviant, and all my fans in the magazine.
And, just for Cindy's mum, here is the transcript in proper words not a picture
Muppet’s Mutterings
I thought, because I’ve got a new little brother called Dave, I should
write down 10 basic rules to lead a happy healthy life in this house. They
might benefit your TT too. They’re very simple, and hopefully if they pay
attention to them more than Dave does, they’ll be well on the way to being a
rather fabulous dog.
1. My bowl contains food that doesn’t taste as nice as yours. Get used to
it, and either eat yours at 100 mph or expect to have my leftovers.
2. Barking at wild animals on the TV is a prerequisite for living in Mum’s
house. It doesn’t matter if it’s something called a Hippo, it might sneak out
of a drainpipe one day and try to eat Mum. If it ever does, we’ll be
prepared.
3. Cats. There are “indoor” cats and “outdoor” cats. All are evil.
However, the three cats that live in the house can only be chased when Mum isn’t
around, or privileges like cuddles on the sofa get withdrawn. All outdoor cats
get chased, regardless. If you make a small mistake and chase and “indoor” cat,
make sure you’re caught with it’s claw in your nose. That way it looks like you
are the innocent victim of a random cat attack.
4. Poo-that-fights-back. You know the sort, the ones that hang on to your
fur when you’d thought you’d finished. If you run through the dog flap at
somewhere averaging 75 mph, do a handbrake turn in the dining room and head back
out the dog flap (with a suitable matching look of terror on your face) you will
find that those annoying bits of poo will leave your fur somewhere handy like
the middle of the rug, where Mum can clean it up easily. Job done.
5. Toys. As Mum falls asleep on the sofa of an evening, choose to play
only with the squeaky toys that you own. There might only be one in your stash
of toys, so make sure it hasn’t been misplaced or dig it out as noisily as you
can. It will not only get Mum up and playing, it will send your sister dogs
into a whipped up frenzy that causes this AMAZING screechy noise. It’s worth
seeing how quickly Mum jumps off the sofa.
6. Baths. Baths are a weekly test. Sometimes, if you are very clever, you
can run out the dog flap into the garden as soon as you see the dog towels
starting to be taken to the bathroom. Once out there, keep running round the
patio table. If Mum can’t catch you, you’ve passed the test. Whatever you do,
avoid the stuff she uses after you’re tortured. Ooops I mean dried. It’s called
Lavender grooming spray and it stinks of girls. This is not cool.
7. Cups of Tea. If one gets left on the floor – by anyone – regardless of
their status in this house, it should be drunk by a dog. If it’s not, then it
might get knocked over and that would mean we’d get into trouble. Coffee too,
and wine if you must, but that makes your head go a bit whizzy, and running the
wall of death around the lounge doesn’t win us biscuits. Besides, it’s not
often full glasses of wine get put down on the floor in the house of any TT
owner, I understand.
8. Pot Plants. Strange things hide in the bottom of pot plants. They’re
invisible to humans, and you have to dig really really deep to find them.
Emptying the entire pot is absolutely necessary. Beware though, if you do it on
a really wet day, you might be forced to revisit number 6 on this list.
9. Walks. Walks must be undertaken with enthusiasm and with the strength
of a Great Dane. Barking is optional. However, you must criss-cross leads in
front of Mum at every opportunity to ensure the best nose-to-lamppost sniff
ratio. Our big sister dog learned a good trick the other week too – stopping
for a poo whilst waiting to cross at a Zebra Crossing provides endless
entertainment for passing motorists, and apparently if you take twice as long to
do your business, cars stop randomly at will, probably in admiration, but it
makes Mum wave her arms weirdly at the cars.
10. Socks. Socks smell gooood. There are lots of things you can do to get
socks. When Mum sits down to put them on, you can easily sneak up and pull them
back off, but be quick and run into the garden with them or you lose them and
they get stuffed under trousers and in boots before you know it. When Mum
takes them off, they’ll be stored in her “floor cupboard” but that’s upstairs
and that’s off limits. So, watch out for them when they come back downstairs
for wash day. If you can sneak one out of the washing machine as they’re shoved
in, you’ve won the prize. She’ll realise when odd ones come out washed and
there’s a fully TT washed one in the flower border.
love
Muppet
xxx
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